The following is a very quickly typed out rant/story about some things that happened this week and its full of disorganized thoughts, as I just need to get this out of my brain.

From the title, you should know that its about an eating disorder.  #triggerwarning




On Febuary 15, 2020 I walked into LA Fitness for the first time in months.  I got a deal on a membership, and like having access to a treadmill in the winter, so I can walk without freezing my tush off.

New members get to have a meeting to discuss their fitness goals, and I was told to bring a bottle of water, so I thought that I would be working with a trainer.  Cool.  I like learning new routines. This is not what happened at the gym on Saturday.  I left the gym feeling like shit about my body (even though I take a few barre classes a week and am strong) due to one mans ill chosen words and his attitude towards me. I left the gym OUTRAGED, I created and then deleted a FB post, went home and complained about it to my partner, and then decided to drop the issue…but then on Tuesday I found out that a young woman from my church lost her battle to anorexia and I lost my shit and am ready to tell this story.

This man told me that he NEEDED to do a body comp test on me.  I said “no, I don’t want to do that, I do that with my doctor and have struggled with anorexia so its not mentally healthy for me to discuss numbers with you.” He pushed me into telling him what my last body fat read out was, and when I told him he said, “thats a bit high, do you know how to lower your bodyfat, you should otherwise its bad for your heart” I told him that I am totally fine just the way I am, and that my team of doctors is fine with the way I am.  He did not like that too much.

He did not know what else to do with me, since I turned down his body measuring session idea.  I told him that he could show me around the gym if he would like.  The whole time he kept talking about how I NEEDED to change up my workout routine in order to see changes in my body.  I told him about how I had lost a bunch of weight (in a healthy way for the first time ever in 2018) and that I know my body.  I told him that I had been paleo for a while, to help my autoimmune symptoms, but then had a kidney stone and had to shift my food again, so I have naturally put some weight back on, and am totally fine with it.

He showed me some things in the free-weight room and had me try an exercise.  He tried to give me some advice, and talk about proper form, as if I hadn’t ever exercised a day in my life.  It was an overall uncomfortable experience.  This guy is just in charge of hiring the trainers, he isn’t a certified trainer.  I asked him if they had and female trainers on staff, and he said that they dont right now, but that he is working on hiring a girl that “knows alot about nutrition, not that you care about nutrition right now” I asked what her nutrition certifications were, and he couldn’t tell me.

I AM interested in nutrition, and fueling my body properly for my lifestyle.  I am NOT interested in dieting. I have done that.  I have starved myself.  I have logged every bite that went into my mouth and then made sure to exercise enough to burn it all off.  These days I track steps, and the number of workouts I do, because I like information, but I eat whatever I want.  This is a huge step for me.  I have stopped being so obsessed with the scale, and numbers on my clothing tags.  This is because I have gotten the help that I need, and avoid triggers like the guy at the gym.

Since Saturday I have felt like total shit about my body.  I cried in Zumba class last night at the sight of myself in the mirror.  I have not done that in a long time.  I think alot of it is the fact that I am crying over all of the people that feel inadequate in their own bodies due to society telling them that they are not good enough because they dont look a certain way.

As I was at the gym being triggered by some jerk, a 19 year old girl was in the same town as me losing her life to anorexia.  She died on the same day that I almost fell back into the trap of my eating disorder.  Talk about scary.  Please think before you ever comment on someones body, especially if you are in the fitness industry.  I told the guy about my history and he still did not listen to me and respect it.

I get asked all the time what I would like to do with my life.  I want to help people to realize their own potential, and their own power.  I want people to see food as fuel, and moving their body as fun.  I want to teach adults how to talk to kids about diet/exercise in a way that doesnt feel icky.  I want to be a force in the HAES movement, because its important.

There is so much I could say about all of this, and in more well thought out ways, but right now I just needed to get it out there.  Thank you for reading my brain dump.


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